First I would like to say thank you. If you are reading this, I thank you for sharing in this journey with Michael and me. We truly hope that this website is helping you on your journey to get to your own goals whatever they may be. The fact that our stories, ideas and experiences can be shared with so many people is one of biggest gifts in my life. I love that Michael shares so much of his experiences and can be so open. I am more reserved than him so I envy the way he can tell his story and connect with our readers. I struggle with expressing myself and articulating my feelings. So please don’t think we have it all figured out. We are only human. We have our days where we fight, feel defeated, and want to give up. We have to work hard as individuals and as a couple to grow stronger. We have to fight for our relationship and protect it all the time.
Right now it is the dead of winter in the New York City area and we have record low temperatures where the cold literally burns your skin as you step out the door. We have been pent up in our house, going to work and getting home after the sun has gone down. I went to three funerals last month, had a stressful financial crisis, and like everyone had some family issues going on as well. It has been depressing and we are both feeling it. I know I have been through worse than this but why are these difficult times so hard to see through? It’s a spiraling effect, one bad thought to the next and so on. The next thing you know you doubt everything.
What if my dream just doesn’t work out? What if I become poor, unable to pay rent, and regret everything? What if I spend all my savings, max out my credit cards and have no ability to get back on my feet? What if Michael and I break up? What if I become severely depressed and become the person I always promised myself I’d never be? What if I fail and regret never listening to these voices? Sadly, these voices have the ability to keep me here stuck in this cycle of misery.
These thoughts and these fears creep themselves into my mind on occasion and when they do it turns my mind into my prison. Suddenly the world isn’t as good as I always make myself believe it is. And I am no longer as good as I thought I was. I am a weak person and I am a bad person.
Over the years I have learned many tricks or rather tools to unlock my prison and snap me away from myself loathing and back to reality. The reality that I have been through some dark times, I have hit lows, I’ve failed (miserably by the way) but, despite these unpleasant times I made it through and I am stronger because of it. While you may have heard that line before “that you are stronger because of it” and think its cliché. I am going to tell you why it is more than a cliché and why it should be a guiding principle in making decisions and getting you through some tough times.
“You will always be stronger from experience good or bad and you will only regret the things you never did, not the failures”
When things don’t work out according to plan like you always dreamed they would. When your ideas and fantasies about life are met with the dark reality of being alone in your studio apartment unable to pay bills, depressed and the last thing you want to do is ask for help because you are angry. Your anger towards family, friends and life keeps you from lifting yourself up and changing anything in your life. If you haven’t guessed it yet I am talking about myself.
In college like most students I experienced the highs and the lows but unlike a lot of my friends and peers I wasn’t liberated by my family to do whatever I wanted to do… to follow my dreams. I was told what I should study, what would make me lots of money one day, and what would make me happy. Although now a few years later I have gained maturity and wisdom to know that it was just their loving concerns for me because that is what THEY valued as important. Although I’m not validating it, I just now understand that it had little to do with me. It was just their ideas of success and they didn’t align with mine. At the time, I could only digest the harsh words that I was “the biggest disappointment of their lives” after telling them that college may not be for me. I couldn’t handle the rejection from the people I love and cope with the hurt I felt.
I had to switch my major to Business Marketing half way through college and complete a full degree in two years. I knew I had no leeway in not graduating on time despite the switch. That would’ve been another failure. I was officially living my life for other people. I coped with all my hurt by turning inward, being angry, drinking more than I ever have, eating unhealthy foods and crying. I cried a lot. I was living in my own studio apartment unable to pay for food, bills or books because I lost my waitressing job (twice). I racked up two thousand dollars in credit card debit to fund my social life expenses and cover necessary bills. I only cared about money to spend on going out because it allowed me not to be alone. I could be crying on the inside but I was just another girl at the college bar drinking and no one knew or cared about my problems. I remember night after night coming home to my empty barren apartment, closing the door behind me and just crying. Sometimes I didn’t know why. During that time not only did I lose my jobs, I had my wallet stolen three times, lost some good friends and gained weight. That apartment still haunts me. Never once did I ask my family for help because I was so angry. I didn’t want anything to do with them at that time in my life because I always thought they wanted the best for me. How was this the best for me? I was only 21 and I was hopeless. I envied the person I used to be at 18. As crazy as that sounds it couldn’t be more true. I always thought I was strong, independent and able to handle anything. Who am I now?
Luckily, I got through it. Like we all do. I graduated college with honors (how I don’t know) and went on to get myself a job upon graduating. This gave me purpose again which led to responsibility which led to healing myself. I could look back on that whole experience and want to change it all. Erase it all. I could go back to a pivotal point and take a different course of action, wipe my tears, dealt with my issues head on. But would I be better for it? Would I have been able to appreciate my blessings the way I do now? Would I be content with all the things that bring me joy now? Would I know what it is to be truly healthy… or happy for that matter? I learned how to cope with my emotions and how to not let anger sabotage myself. My emotions still rattle me from time to time and I let myself feel it. Its okay to feel anger but you must let it go.
I look back on those times and smile because every single failure taught me a lesson. I am proud of the times I attempted to change myself for the better and move forward like when I joined the university‘s hiking club. After spending a year in a solid depressive state getting outdoors and connecting to nature through exercise was painful but beautiful. The best part is two and half years later, Michael and I would hike our first 14er (a mountain that is 14,000 feet above sea level aka a third of Everest) in Colorado. Mount Elbert, the tallest peak in the state, also referred to as the gentle giant. It took about five to six hours to climb to the summit and it was excruciating but when I got to the top it was the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. I could see all the way to New Mexico. I then remember looking back at Michael and being so overwhelmed with how beautiful life is. How ironic it can be. I never thought I would experience the fulfillment and pure bliss I felt in that moment. Two years ago I couldn’t picture myself ever being happy and healthy, not like this. I looked at Michael and felt all the love in universe.
Looking back on these times gives me confidence moving forward. Not that I won’t fall or make mistakes, of course I will, but I will be able to use the tools I have learned to navigate me through a tough time. Because the only way out is through. You have to work and navigate yourself through the bad to get to the good. So here is my road map and I hope it helps you in your journey.
1. Be the hero of your own movie.
Some of the common thoughts I would have during this time would be: If only I could met someone really great my life would be changed for the better and all my problems will go away. If only I had $1,000 dollars I could get myself out of this financial rabbit hole I am in. Why can’t something good come along and take all of this sorrow away?
Those were only some thoughts that I could vividly remember but this is a common mental pattern to have. That someone or one thing could fix your problems. What we should really be saying to ourselves is: I just need to face my fears, be confident within myself, and go out and change my life. Let me stop spending money on things that don’t serve me and pay off my debts. Let me tell the person that has been causing me emotional turmoil that I am better than their games and that love is shown through actions not just words. Stand up and be the hero of your own movie. Ever hear of Shakespeare’s “all the world’s a stage”? I like to think this is what Shakespeare means. We can interpret this life as a stage and give it the best performance we got.
Focus on your integrity and your character. You will never regret taking the hit when you look back and realize you had to because you were being honest with yourself.
Do the things for yourself that you wish someone else would do for you.
2. Your friends and family might be actively working against you in this process.
I know I have experienced this and it’s a hard pill to swallow. Some of you, this may not apply and you might be blessed with having a really great support system where you are fully encouraged to live your purpose.
I decided to make this point though because anytime I have ever talked to someone about their troubles they have always brought up a friend, a spouse, a family member that somehow enables them from progressing in their lives. Their excuses for not being able to fix their problems is always tied into someone else’s will to keep them stagnant. So we are looking for someone to fix all our problems and someone else is the root cause of all our problems… Get the pattern here?
First, realize that friends and family holding you back has little reflection on you. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you either but in their world you are THEIR friend or THEIR child so they have their own ideas of who you are and what you are suppose to be in THEIR lives. When you flip the switch on people they often don’t know how to change their dream of you and your future together and because they have to let go of those ideas. They will most likely lash out at you with: “How could you do this to me?” “I don’t think that’s a good idea, you will probably fail and have to come back home anyway” “This is not a good economy to leave your steady job and risk not being able to find a new one?” “What do you mean you don’t want to come out with us? You’re my best friend you have to come out tonight”
You are growing beyond their status quo and you are shaking up their world. It is not selfish to do this. You cannot live your life for other people by doing so you are not loving yourself and you are not loving them. YOU need to be the best person you can be to support those around you.
“If you truly love someone, you will set them free.” People who truly love you will support you (this may not happen initially but give them time) will support you in following your dreams. Let this be a barometer for true love.
P.S. this is point will always be easier said than done. You will fight this all your whole life just know that you are never wrong for wanting to follow your dreams.
3. Take small steps everyday not gigantic leaps
Sometimes it’s easier not to focus on the mountain in front of us. It seems so large almost impossible but, it’s not. With each step, each day, you get closer to the summit. Make small actions every day to get you to your goal. Make sure you set goals. Large long terms goals, small goals, and daily goals. Focus on the task at hand. If lately you feel like a shit person with a horrible attitude and you want to change, don’t focus on becoming Mary Poppins overnight. Just focus on today, right now, as you are driving in your car. Someone cuts you off instead of becoming outraged, take a long deep breath and remember the time you were so late to a meeting, doctor’s appointment or worse had to get to the hospital for a crisis. Give the person who just cut you off that benefit of the doubt. Take it even further and let the next person trying to get into your lane in. Why not even laugh at yourself while you’re at it for caring so much about a silly thing?
If you are trying to eat healthy, don’t think about giving up your favorite bagel or dessert. Think about all the new foods you can try, the variety you can bring to your life. (Sidebar: I have to say that I have been eating an unprocessed organic whole foods diet for two years and I never miss bagels or desserts or processed foods. I let myself have cake when the situation is right like a birthday party but to be honest it tastes fake and gross, and I don’t miss it.) Every night I have a filling desert of fruit, grass fed ice cream and organic dark chocolate. I don’t have to watch my weight and I am always satisfied from the food I eat. It’s very empowering but I got here through small steps. Doing a 30 day vegan detox then switching it to a 30 day detox of corn, soy, gluten. It took about three months to completely rid my body of toxic processed food but it was the small goals and the variety of goals that really helped me through.
4. Find comfort in the duality of life.
As simple as I can put this, because I have a tendency of getting really philosophical with this point, you need the bad to know the good. If life was always good- how would you know it was good? Good would be this bleak and monotone state of life… Think of how dull life would be without the contrast? I picture this creepy version of the Stepford Wives and I have to laugh because it makes me realize life is worth living BECAUSE of the contrast. The contrast of day and night or life and death defines us. It makes us human so embrace it. And please know where there is darkness there is light, you will find your happiness again. I promise.
Thank you again for reading and being on this journey with us.